Have you ever needed to pee so bad that when you do, you would swear it is the best feeling ever?
I have

Not really

Hahahaha
I realise how completely depressed I sound in all my other posts.
But I actually live a pretty good life.
I have lots of friends that love me. A family I care about. A pretty wonderful boyfriend.
Parents who can afford to send me to university without needing an education loan.
But like all other teenagers I sometimes like to believe that my life is the epitome of all tragedies.
Basically, I'm like the rest of you.

Do I know?

Ever since I was five, He's been telling me I'm a disgrace. He's been telling me I'm a waste of space. He's been telling me how He's ashamed of saying He's related to me. He's told me how the only reason He puts up with me is because I'm His son's daughter. He's told me how that's the only reason He even looks at me twice.

Thirteen years and I still don't know what it is about me that He can't stand. 

I tried doing everything possible.

I tried talking to Him. I tried making Him interested in my life. I tried being interested in His.

I achieved what seemed to matter to him most; academic excellence.

He holds creativity workshops, so I made things, lots of things. I invented a working lego gun. I painted and painted and drew and drew. I wrote. 

He is a scientist. I experimented with anything and everything I could think of. I was curious about things.

I tried finding something we were both passionate about. Something that would connect us.

I tried.

But now, He treats me like a disease. He never talks to me. When I pass by Him, He flinches. I just made things worse.

I can't talk to anyone about it.

Basically, I'm leaving in two months, and with me any chance of salvaging our relationship will leave too and I don't know what to do.

Noone.

I keep finding myself in catch 22 situations. Situations that I put myself in because of my own inhibitions.
I want to confide in someone. I want to tell them how I worry that he doesn't like me anymore. I want to whine about him not replying to my texts and not calling me. I want to ask him why it seems like he doesn't like me anymore. I want to tell my best friend that I think he doesn't like me as much as he did before. (Yes, I have very average teenage woes.) But I won't. Ever.
Why you ask?
What if when I let anyone know that I worry that he doesn't like me anymore, that they suddenly realise they don't like me either? What if when I confront him it turns out that it really is only because he was busy and that he did still like me but now that I mention it he realises that he doesn't? What if that's when it happens? What if that's when everyone suddenly realises they don't actually like me and that they were all just delusional? And the worst part of all, I would have brought it upon myself.
Almost everyone I meet seems to like me. So, I keep waiting for the day when the world suddenly sees what He has seen in me for the past thirteen years. What He saw in me right from the beginning. I keep waiting for the day when everyone dislikes me like He does. And I am afraid that I'll be left out of the loop. I'm afraid that noone will even bother telling me what is wrong with me in the first place. What makes Him dislike me so much?
Basically, the question is, what is wrong with me?

Why can't I be a normal 18 year old and just crib to my best friend about my boyfriend's sudden (and my rational self tells me harmless) apparent lack of interest and then get over it?

Fear

So, I'm only doing this because this blog is anonymous. If I find out it's not I'm deleting this. Let me just say, I don't have a word processor on my laptop, and I don't trust writing on paper. Hence the anonymous blog. :)
I've always preferred saying things out loud, because then the words vanish. There's never any proof of them. You can never prove that the words were said at a particular time in a particular place by anybody. This was true only before the invention of voice recording. But it's okay because sound recording isn't all the time.
The problem with writing things down is that once it's written, it's permanent. It'll always be there. For everyone to see. Always.
I believe that whatever you write, however random you may think it is, is like a mini portal into your soul. It's like you're giving whoever reads it a chance to look right into you. A chance to know every little thing about you. You're letting yourself be exposed.
That scares me. I don't like people knowing what I'm thinking. I don't like people knowing what I feel. I don't like people knowing what can break me. I don't like being vulnerable. Period.
Basically, my biggest fear : Vulnerability.

It's kind of ironic, my fear keeps me from letting people know the very basic fact that I HAVE a fear.